Today I can’t decide how I feel. We fly out to Greece two weeks from today and I am excited. I’m also scared. But I’m scared about more than if it doesn’t work. 

I think I’m letting the self doubt in and I am trying everything to not let that happen. I am listening to meditation music as I write this and thinking over and over that I have a healthy womb that is ready to receive a healthy blastocyst. And I mean over and over. 

But while I’m doing that I start to think about how good I’ll be as a mum! Really what the hell is that thought doing creeping in? I’m doubting my ability to be a good mum. I like to sleep and I proved this by sleeping in until ten this morning but that doesn’t mean I won’t be able to get up for my child does it? 

My little westie baby is sitting on my lap as if to tell me that I am a good mum to him and that is helping a little too. 

There aren’t many other thoughts that are able to get into my head at the moment either. There’s been some big stuff going on at work and I’m dealing with them but one day at a time. I can’t plan ahead at all! At the moment I can’t see any further than two weeks today. 

Even writing this makes me cry! Now I know the hormones have a lot to do with it. I have come on this week (as the dr planned) and I am taking my white pills as instructed. 

For the rest of today I’m going to try and keep myself busy with gardening and dog walking and hope that this strange feeling washing over me is just a normal phase of the process. 

Bring on baby Lewis making …

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