Written in 2004 – I stay in a lot of hotels as part of this job and you would not believe some of the places we are put in. The first thing you must check is the bathroom. Most of the time the walls are mouldy or at least orange where it was mouldy and they have tried to clean it off. You have to check the shower head before you use it too. Sometimes things fall out when you turn the water on. It is best not to check the bed too closely though. If you delved into that area you may never get any sleep. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t all bad. I have stayed in some nice places too. I have even had a week in the Hilton at Dartford bridge.
Last night was a strange one. I have never taken recreational drugs in my life, I don’t need to. I seem to be able to have vivid dreams without them. First of all, when I was trying to get to sleep I woke myself up when I thought I was crashing the car. There was a lorry involved but I don’t remember much after that. Then when I tried again to get back to sleep, there was a stop sign that snuck up on me! I broke very hard and woke up again. That wasn’t the last of it. I woke again at 4:30am with the feeling that something was crawling on my arm. When I looked down I saw a black spider walking across it. I didn’t scream, which was good but I watched it go under the pillow. I got up calmly and went to the bathroom for some tissue. When I came back there was no sign of the spider. I shook out all the pillows and the surrounding area but couldn’t find it anywhere. Was it real and really quick or did I dream the whole thing?
I love my job with a passion but sometimes it can get me down. Everyone asks how I cope when people are finding it hard to take in what I am teaching. I seem very calm and patient on the outside but when I have my lunch, and at the end of the day, I phone my boss and let rip. She is an angel. She lets me sound off and then just asks me if I am okay now. She does help if it is something she can influence but most of the time I just need to get it off my chest.
Part of my depression seems to include paranoia. I have many friends, some of whom I class as “proper” friends. They are the sort that even if you don’t speak for a week, or in some cases months, we just pick up where we left off and catch up with any gossip. Even though I have these friends, I also have some who I feel don’t think of me as much as I think of them. I would do anything for my friends, most of the time at the drop of a hat if I am needed. I feel that some people wouldn’t have anything more to do with me if I didn’t contact them. It seems that I always make the first move. It could just be because they have families and children so they don’t have as much spare time as I do. I do find that I get lonely a lot. I tell everyone that I am happy to be single and living on my own with no one to answer to but that is because I am with them, or talking to them on the phone, so I am not feeing lonely at that moment in time. It’s not that I think my life would be so much better if I had a man; it’s just that I wish that I had more single friends so that we could do things on a whim. If we fancied going out we could just go. Alternatively, if we fancied a holiday we could just book it and fly away.
I do try and spend as much time as possible with my friends. That usually means visiting them because of childcare issues but it’s still time. Trouble is I spend week nights on my own because I’m in hotels. I get to meet people during the day that I get on fine with but it’s just for the one day. I may never see them again. I can also talk to the staff in the hotels but it’s not the same as spending time with people you know…