Written in 2004- why is my self-esteem so low I hear you ask? (My god you ask a lot of questions!). Not only did I spend many years with this man but I also listened to a lot of his crap.
Looking back, I have realised that it was all bollocks and I am worth so much more than I was led to believe. He told me I was fat and that no one would ever look at me. According to him my job was just a pretend one. I don’t actually do any real work. He also said that I was lazy and that I didn’t do anything around the house. If that was the case then why didn’t we live in a pigsty? Perhaps the fairies came in and cleaned every day! Don’t we all dream about that? I forgot to mention that he didn’t lift a finger and didn’t think he should because his job involved manual labour, therefore being much harder than mine!
He started a new job that involved him working away from home most of the time. For a while this worked very well as I was able to get on with the wedding plans during the week and then we had amazing weekends together. I believed the phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder”; boy did I get that wrong.
The day that it kicked off was a Friday and I was sent home from work because I had a stomach bug. I was snuggled up on the sofa with my duvet and a bucket very nearby. You can imagine my surprise when my fiancé came through the door hours before he was due. Well I can tell you that he was far more surprised. He packed a bag and left for his mothers saying he needed to sort his head out. This was completely out of the blue especially Since he wasn’t that close to his mother! I had no idea.
He returned on the Sunday to tell me that he was leaving. I stormed out of course but he phoned my best mate so that she could persuade me to return. I did but only because she agreed to meet him with me. He sat in front of us and tried to make me out to be the one who had failed the relationship. He moaned about me wanting takeaways all the time and how I didn’t cook for him anymore.
My friend asked him if there was anyone else involved but he just kept saying it was my fault and no one else was to blame. I didn’t realise at the time but she was watching him squirming and checking his watch.
A week or so after that night, I was round my friends house, and she felt she had to tell me something she had found out. It must have been the hardest thing in the world for her to do to a friend. Her partner had seen my ex walking, hand in hand, with another woman before we split up!It was someone he worked with. This information devastated me but I was much better off knowing and I’m eternally grateful to her for plucking up the courage to tell me.
The first thing I did was change the locks on my door. I had taken his set off of him but as it turned out that wasn’t enough. He had arranged with my friend for her to be at my flat while he picked up his stuff. He arrived early and tried to get in using the keys he had had cut. He was so angry about it he broke into my shed, nearly knocking it down.
I turned up too as I had several questions for him, mostly based around the fact that I had to go to a sexual health clinic because I didn’t know for certain who he had been sleeping with and what he may have given me. Right to the last second he was denying anyone else was involved.
Since then I have not heard a word from him and I am quite happy with that, now! I want you to know how well I am doing, without him. What made things worse was the fact that I had met this other woman, and she was married with three kids!
I am humbled by the fact that things never got as bad for me as I know they have, and still are, for others. Saying that, when you go through personal trauma it can seem like you are the only one it ever happens to and at the time they are the worse months, or even years, of your life…