Written in 2004 – it’s my only day off this week and I’m woken by the most horrifying noise. My god he’s snoring again! If I poke him then he will be wake and that is often worse than the snoring. I remove the covers as gently as I can so as not to wake him and go to the bathroom. 

I don’t think I will turn the lights on in here again today; it just isn’t worth getting depressed so early. I make myself a cup of coffee and decide that I had better make him one too as I now know he is awake. How do I know that? Well the farting has started, that’s a sure fire way of telling that he is conscious. It has come to a point that I can’t remember a waking moment of his in which he hasn’t been leaking gas! 

I take him his coffee without saying a word because he is now pretending to be asleep. I don’t pay any attention anymore; I know it’s because he doesn’t want to pay any attention to me. I wander back to my coffee and switch the telly on. Another exciting weekend together I can tell! 

I notice the mess on the table, and what a mess! There are bridal magazines everywhere and hotel details in bags all over the place. 

Didn’t I tell you? I was planning my dream wedding. Everything was set; the invitations had even gone out. Ok ok I can imagine what you are thinking. Why the hell did you plan this wedding? Quite simply it’s because I loved him. We had been together for nearly five years. 

Bruises were not a frequent occurrence but there was one time that sticks in my mind to this day. The embarrassment was the worse part because marks fade with time. It was over money, most of our arguments were. He dragged me out of the flat, over the drawers that he had thrown at me earlier, with only my dressing gown on. I had managed to phone his friend but I didn’t have time to talk before the phone was ripped out of the socket. Thankfully he only lived around the corner and had worked out that something was wrong. He arrived just in time to see me crying my eyes out, almost naked in the hallway. All the neighbours heard the shouting and came out to see what the problem was. Here lies the start of the embarrassment. Can you imagine people you only briefly know seeing you in your most vulnerable state? My ex’s friend got his lodger to take me back to their place while he spoke to my ex. Needless to say I was there all night. 

The bruises were hard to explain at work the next day. Here continues the embarrassment. Why didn’t I take a sickie? Because I would have had to admit to myself that there was a problem in our relationship and I most certainly did not want to do that. 

I can tell that I haven’t managed to convince you that I loved him to bits yet. It is very hard to explain. You can’t be with someone for that length of time and not have strong feelings for them. In hindsight, perhaps I was just in love with the idea of being married, with a family. It is something that I have dreamed about for a very long time. In fact, I was convinced that was all I was worth. I’ve opened up another can of worms with that statement…

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